The Hottest Jobs for 2009


 

The world economy is in the worst shape that is been in almost a century. Across the planet, all industries are in decline. In particular, the Unites States has been hit particularly hard. Tens of thousands have lost their jobs and are struggling to survive. In the hope of assisting those who are economically depressed, here is a list of the hottest job prospects for 2009. A humorous look at what you can do to get by.

 

 

#5 – Maritime Pirate

 

Job Description: Carry out strategic missions in expropriating goods from naval vessels. Lead fellow pirates in capturing vessels of various sizes with the purpose of holding said vessels and their occupants for ransom.

 

Qualifications:

  • Strong maritime navigational skills required.
  • Must be able to communicate effectively in a multi-lingual, multi-cultural, multi-hostage environment.
  • Familiarity in the use of small arms such as automatic rifles, rocket propelled grenade launchers, pistols. Familiarity in the use of swords a plus.
  • Must be able to go days out at sea without Dramamine.
  • Must possess current hook and grapple climbing certification. Cargo netting certified climbers will also be considered.
  • GPS handling skills required. Experience in the use of a sextant and old fashioned telescope desirable but not required.

 This job is good because…

  • You get to visit exotic places.
  • Immediate cabin upgrades upon request (cruise ships only).
  • You have the option of demanding ransom payments in Euros and not US dollars.
  • You can wear an eye patch without anyone asking if your eye injury is real.
  • You have first seating option for dinner (cruise ships only).
  • You don’t have to pay for those stupid “welcome aboard” pictures (cruise ships only).
  • If you hijack a ship laden with electronics, you don’t have to worry about Christmas gifts for years.
  • You are eligible for $500,000 dollars in complementary gaming chips at the casino (cruise ships only).
  • You don’t have to smuggle on board industrial size bottles of Scope mouthwash containing light rum laced with green food coloring (Carnival Cruise Lines ships only).
  • Your pair of threes always beats a royal flush at any poker table (cruise ships only).
  • Your AK-47 is as good as anyone else’s boarding pass.
  • You can make up the words to any John Denver song while singing karaoke and still win the “Best Singer Award” (cruise ships only).
  • Hijacked ships with Filipino crewmen have the best chow.
  • Female European tourists love foreigners (cruise ships only).

 

This job may suck because…

  • You may encounter real military naval ships with big ass guns while at sea.
  • Ruffled shirts with puffy sleeves are considered fashion faux pas.
  • Screaming “Arrrgh” is tough on the voice box over time.
  • Opportunities for success near the US coast line are rare.
  •  Walking the plank is a real possibility.
  • Showers are few and far between.
  • You may be mistaken for a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • There aren’t any good bars in Somalia

 Salary

  • Commensurate with booty. 

 

 

#4 – Defense Department Contractor

 

Job Description: Provides and supplies goods and services to US defense forces around the world with special emphasis placed on in-theatre forces deployed in conflict zones in Iraq and Afghanistan.

 

Qualifications:

  • Political connections to the White House.
  • Past business relationship with the Vice-president a plus.
  • Ability to supply rotten or expired food to troops.
  • Ability to convince authorities that supplied contaminated water is potable.
  • Must be able to hire untrained electricians to provide dangerous and potentially lethal electrical wiring to military installations.
  • Knowledge of Arabic, Dari, and Pashto languages can be useful but you can speak English; the universal language of tyranny.
  • Knowledge of local culture is helpful but totally unnecessary
  • Ability to hire personnel that are willing to kill unarmed civilians. (Security contractors only)
  • Experience in torture techniques is recommended. (Security contractors only)

 This job is good because…

  • No bid contracts are still available.
  • You have access to a large untrained and unqualified workforce willing to work in dangerous environments/
  • The possibility of future blanket presidential pardon for past wrong doing very likely.
  • There is very little congressional oversight regardless of the party in power.
  • You can enjoy the use of Green Zone amenities such as bars, nightclubs, fast-food restaurants, clandestine brothels and 24-hour security. (Iraq theatre only)
  • Overseas employment insures that nobody is really watching and very few give a crap about what you do.

 This job may suck because…

  • There are diminishing opportunities.
  • There may be resentment and hostility from native population.
  • With the withdrawal of troops from Iraq scheduled for 2010, applications for 2009 opportunities should be submitted immediately. (Preferably before January 19, 2009)
  • The possibility of prosecution for wrong doing is likely under the new Obama administration.
  • Your incoming/outgoing phone calls for the purpose of phone sex may be monitored and/or recorded.

Salary range:

  • Commensurate with degree of conniving expertise.

 

 

#3 – United States Governor

Job Description: Duties include but nit limited to serving as Chief Executive Officer of the State. Appoint members of state cabinet, boards and state commissions. Serve as Commander-in-Chief of the State’s National Guard. Give annual State of the State address. Submit annual operating budget.

Qualifications:

  • Formal education is recommended but basically irrelevant.
  • Ability to faithfully execute the agenda of affiliated party while in office is necessary.
  • Must possess charisma and able to endure mandatory photo-ops such as Governors Conferences.
  • Must be able to articulate a tax-cut agenda even though your state tax base is shrinking.
  • Able to attend education conferences while slashing education budgets at the same time.
  • Ability to slash state funded programs like Medicaid with impunity is a must.
  • Must possess strong skills in advocating for your continued employment in government while concurrently bemoaning the size of the very same government.
  • Successful candidates must be able to display rabid pro-business and compassionate pro-labor beliefs simultaneously.
  • Willing to place nativity scene and/or Ten Commandment monument on State House/Court grounds while disregarding the separation of Church and State. (Southern States only)
  • Must be able to travel to foreign countries with family, friends and lobbyists and upon return, successfully convince the public that the trip was an important trade mission.

 This job is good because…

  • You can administer the State as a sovereign nation (California only).
  • You can attain vast foreign policy experience (Alaska only).
  • You have unlimited entrepreneurial opportunities while in office (All States; Illinois especially)
  • You can have access to female escorts (New York only).
  • You have limited actual duties (Texas only).
  • You can exercise the power of killing citizens (Death penalty states only).
  • You can act like a king while calling yourself a “public servant”.
  • You can live in a nice house with maids, gardeners and private chauffer.
  • You can serve as beauty pageant judge at State Fair (most states)
  • You can tell your grandchildren you did the same job as Juan Ponce De Leon.
  • You can use position as Governor to springboard to what you really want to be; Senator or President.

This job may suck because…

  • You have to fill out those stupid financial disclosure statements.
  • You may have to rule over just half a million subjects (Wyoming only).
  • You may have to reside in a state capital that closes up shop at dusk while having real kick-ass party cities in your state (California, Florida and New York, to name a few)
  • You have to explain to outsiders that the State University in your state is not named after the state you govern. (New Jersey only) Puzzled? Look it up here!
  • You have to explain to outsiders why your state has not one, but six official State songs. (Tennessee only)
  • You have to explain to outsiders (and some state residents) that your official state sport is not baseball, football or basketball but jousting. (Maryland only)
  • You must keep the dream of having your state become part of an independent nation secret (Southern states only)
  • You have to deal with State Representatives who are farmers, insurance agents, lawyers and other illiterate types.
  • You have to kiss smelly farm animals and marvel at genetically altered gigantic produce at the State Fair (most states).
  • You’re still not a Senator or President.

 Salary:

  • Staring salary is generally crappy but financial independence is guaranteed upon leaving office.

 

 #2 – Wall Street CEO

 

Job Description: Implement the corporate strategic goals and objective. Responsible for maximizing share holders’ dividends, assuring maximum profit margins, and maintaining the highest possible share price. Must be able to work with a Board of Directors in fulfilling the organization’s mission statement.

 

Qualifications:

  • Possessing an MBA degree or equivalent is nice but true business acumen is not required.
  • Must have thorough knowledge of sophisticated instruments like derivatives, equity swaps, credit default swaps, interest rate swaps, arbitrage, Peroni options, interest rate caps and floors, as well as, forward rate agreements and leveraged buy outs.
  • Must be able to effectively explain the above instruments to idiots on congressional committees.
  • Must be able to deny understanding the above instruments when they become worthless.
  • Ability to turn successful financial company into something resembling the United Way.
  • Experience using sophisticated machinery like dark glasses, white cane, and a tin cup is a must.
  • Experience in pension depletion and stealing others’ retirement savings is required.
  • Must be available to travel to chalets in Southern France on short notice while your institution is on the verge of collapse.

 This job is good because…

  • Your salary is not tied to personal performance nor organization’s financial health.
  • You’ll receive generous annual bonuses regardless of company stock price.
  • If ousted from your position for incompetence, you qualify for employment with the federal government overseeing the reemergence of the very same company you drove into the toilet.
  • It offers a great oportunity for improving your golf game.
  • You have minimal contact with laid off company employees while leaving your well appointed office and heading off to your home in the Hamptons in a chauffeured limo.
  • You can sell your company stock before it goes into the crapper even though no one else knows that it’s headed there.
  • You pay less on your income taxes than your secretary.
  • You have access to parachutes without ever having to jump out of a plane.
  • Red/Black color blindness is covered by the American with Disabilities Act.
  • You have a good chance of ringing that neat sounding bell on the NYSE floor and applauding while your company tanks.
  • No one will ever know you were the head of Lehman Brothers, unless of course, your last name happens to be Lehman.
  • You automatically pre-qualify for minimum security prison.

 This job may suck because…

  • There may be some negative perceptions by the general public.
  • You may be referred to as the “Gordon Gecko” of your era.
  • In light of the current economic situation, you may be forced to play the board game Monopoly using the actual Monopoly money included in the game.
  • Personal in-limo sushi chefs are at a premium.
  • Global warming has reduced snow fall in Aspen threatening future executive retreats.
  • You may have to go on CNBC and explain your company’s success in spite of the downward trend graphic displayed behind you.
  • Luxury corporate jet travel is no longer an option. First class commercial travel now mandatory.

 Salary:

  • Commensurate with the degree of failure of your company. (I.e. 50% company devaluation: $100 million/year; 90% company devaluation: $25-50 million/year. Note: May have to work for an annual salary of $1.00 dollar while raking in millions in stock options.

 

  

#1 – Mega Church Pastor/Televangelist

 

Job Description: Provide spiritual guidance to those in need while disseminating positive outcomes for a post-mortem reality. 

 

Qualifications:

  • Applicant must be certified by the Bureau of Understanding and Loving the Lord. (You can make out the acronym)
  • Exceptional candidates should have knowledge of biblical scripture and have outstanding skills in convincing people that your interpretation of those scriptures are indeed the most accurate.
  • Ability to speak to God is a must.
  • Special consideration will be given to those who actually receive auditory answers from God in return.
  • Must possess ability to physically touch people through a television screen.
  • Experience in theatrical productions and funds procurement is necessary.
  • Miracle healing skills are a major plus.
  • Must be able to advocate a strong anti-gay agenda while possibly being gay yourself.
  • Should possess an uncanny ability to spontaneously equate seemingly random world events to seemingly irrational interpretations of biblical prophesies. 
  • Successful candidates must be able to effectively convince congregants to buy into Christian dogma while holding political views that are opposed to those very same principles.

This job is good because…

  • You have discretionary use of the pulpit to fulfill your childhood aspirations of becoming a recording artist.
  • You can appear on Larry King Live as if you were an actual newsmaker.
  • You can claim the devil’s influence as your “get out of jail free” card.
  • There are fabulous spiritual retreats and cruises.
  • You can claim divine privilege when you screw up.
  • You can start your own think thank, university, or theme park.
  • You have unfettered access to the best hairdressers.
  • There is a high probability of receiving an honorary doctoral degree so you can call yourself “Doctor”.
  • You’re not a Catholic priest. This entitles you to engage in sexual acts.
  • You’re not a Catholic priest. This entitles you to engage in deviant sexual acts without raising too much suspicion.
  • The title of “Pastor” gives you the right to serve as counselor to emotionally distraught female choir singers.
  • Those fancy robes are sharp looking.

 This job may suck because…

  • The poor economy can lead to a decrease in donations.
  • Your crystal meth-using gay lover may actually know your true identity.
  • The possibility of fathering a love-child requires full-time extramarital condom use.
  • You have to convince people that the destruction of the State of Israel thus bringing on Armageddon is actually a good thing even though it makes no freaking sense.
  • You’re not a Muslim, so you can’t legally have four wives.
  • Eventual reckoning with God himself can be very tricky.

 Salary range:

  • Heaven knows.

Other Hot Jobs worth considering:

  • Chinese Businessperson (Great money)
  • Bailbondsman for Politicians (Steady flow of clients)
  • Republican ex-Lobbyists Retraining Counselor (Growing market)
  • Librarian for George W. Bush Presidential Library (Very little actual work required)
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